a diary of what i love and what i do

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The most wonderful time of the year.

For Christmas, I got the cutest barista in town making me espresso in our kitchen.

My new neighbors.

Fat beats that taste like chicken.

This is a chicken from Avedano's, a great mom and pop meat shop in Bernal Heights. Everything about Avedano's is darling and done with local love. How can you not love a place that sells buttons that say "I love you more than bacon" ??? The feet and head were chopped and stuffed in the chicken which I had the lovely pleasure of removing...a first for me, I had to take a picture. I'm fascinated with the world and everything in it.

Thank you baby jesus.

thank you

for every passing second to start over and turn it all around
friends who are family
phone calls and i love you so much's
for christmas spent in a flannel shirt and knee socks
radio story time in a parked car
the traffic lights blinking yellow yellow yellow red
how something from outside touches our insides and voila! out comes tears
for the fascination with the human body
even with the canker sores and eye styes
hang nails and toe blisters
that there is no thing and no one that isn't connected
that i have to accept myself before i start demanding that over people do
that for christmas, god gave me someone to love good and hard with all i got
for times when my head says, "no! don't be a fool. protect yourself."
and then my hearts says "yes, let go of being the one in power and be vulnerable"
to love without a price tag or needing anything in return
chicken heads and chicken feet
fresh ground cinnamon sticks
flour, sugar and water
the smell of crushed and stuffed herbs
the texture of powder and wet skin on my fingertips
a perfect cup of coffee
for unavoidable embarrassing moments
to be humbled by my character defects and lack of grace
that god keeps me right sized
for what is important to me
how i wake up in the morning
to be childlike without being childish
to never forget where i came from
that my alcoholism is the best gift god ever gave me
that my disease took away from me everything that mattered
only to make me appreciate everything more when god gave it all back
for a tea flower blossoming in a glass of hot water
an edison light bulb as mesmerizing as a flame
permission to just take classes that sound fun to me
for dance and design one in the same
to live a little bit more like no one is judging
the sound of pencil moving across paper
for nesting and fucking and feasting
thank you god for this human experience

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can.

thank you

to be a regular joe
with regular sobriety
for the magnificent mediocrity of life
that he showed up to be a part of something that is important to me
to pay attention to the actions
instead of my head, the story, the words with nothing behind them
needing less by giving more
the phone ringing
the many faces in aa
light behind the eyes
direct deposit
the heater on blast
making the call to make the amends
being ready on god's time
that i can skip my character defects when i keep it simple
for endorphins kicking in after a 20 second hug
sparkly banana ornaments
not asking anyone to be different for my sake
asking god to love what is
that when i can get real honest i can get real help
my sponsor still breaking it down after all these years
enough pain to do the things i normally wouldn't
for the ham sandwich analogy
no crying over spilled coffee
for daily victories small and large that need no recognition
taking advantage of each second to turn it all around


Sunday, December 18, 2011

If you want to kiss the sky better learn how to kneel.

thank you

for most things french
that i am a heavy praying woman
that i can close my eyes, be quiet and not worry how it looks
"walk into the fire. you're not the one burning"
to stop judging and make room for you
letting people finish their sentences
for all the things i don't have
for chocolate dipped oreo cookies
for cab rides
lavender scented hand lotion
the reversible christmas coat
high waisted panties made of silk and lace
for their secret : laughing together and mystery dates
thinking of the one thing i want to let go of
the action of stomping on a christmas ornament on the sidewalk with my foot
the chance to meet his family and not have my hand out for their approval
that when i am enough with god i am freeeeeeee
for small talk and taking an interest
that i didn't have to worry about what i said after one too many glasses of wine
oaklahoma accents and hugs all around
bed picnics and a movie
not getting all the things i am use to and trying to see that as a good thing cuz it's a god thing
that not one person can be everything to another, but everyone can be special to each other
for opened doors
mistletoe over the bed
that rusty picks up the phone and tells me to stop walking around the block to get back to where i already was
that a bad dream is still just a dream. so is a good dream. 
that my beautiful boyfriend actually belongs to god
that aa helps me not get shit twisted
for spiritual and physical orgasms
for shakira shakira
for panda this and panda that
accepting what is as it is no edits allowed
"its all make believe isn't it?"
that how i roll may not be how the rest of the world rolls. imagine that.
that i can plug in by looking up at the sky or down at my feet
to love where i live and live where i love
friends faces that feel like home
that i can say to my girls that i'm not doing so hot and i already feel better
for the ability to be in deep pain and still push out a full belly laugh
"you said you were gonna get messy remember?"
that my sponsor calls back
for how much easier it is to take everything one day at a time
that i am ready to live with less stuff inside and out
that i don't need vodka with my oj, whiskey with my water and baileys in my coffee
and i don't need better than just because i don't drink
a perfectly made crossaint to share
that all this now business is real
pain begins to dissolve in the present
that god has given me pain to practice with
for the first and only hit of a cigarette in a few years
"true communication is communion"
wisdom written on a napkin in the dark

god, thank you for my lines.

Friday, December 16, 2011

All of me.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
Marilyn Monroe

thank you

for the experience of my fears stealing the day away from me
that without sleeping i would never get to wake up
that without getting lost i would never get to be found
for needle and thread and that i know what to do with them 
for sounds i hear in daily life that reflect what's going on inside
for warm group hugs
that kyle says the sweetest things to me
to receive gifts from the doors that are open
to recommit 100% to this moment 
for authenticity
to have my hand held
to be asked about my day
the chance to practice giving myself the love and acceptance i seek
dirty sex. whatever that may be.
becoming painfully aware of the story i hang onto
that i'd rather be happy than right
for a couple of bucks in my pocket
a curling iron and a can of aqua net
that with god i am enough today
dirt under my nails
unshaven puss
pimple on my chin
abandonment issues
spotlight on my imperfections
an allergy to alcohol
for the flip side of all those things
a spank because i'm naughty
a slap to wake the fuck up
a kiss for love
thank you god for this experience of heaven here on earth.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Chapter Three Twenty Five Twelve Three : Nothing to Lose

thank you

that it wasn't about the mattress being moved
or boots stomping up and down the hall
that god has other people do things to shake shit up and it's not about me or them
that we're all players in a god production
swipes of color from a paintbrush on a masterpiece
for low cleavage shirts
the sensation of needing to pee
hard dicks and wet pussies
oversized jackets that feel like fashionable blankets
being in the middle of it and being able to pray myself out
that in areas where i would need a drink to calm my nerves, i now have god
for the uneventful last morning
for the lovely dependable trees that protected me 
the show they put on outside window and on the wall
ambitious attempts to fit it all in 6 boxes
never being so ready before to let it all go 
never being so sure before about who i want to share my life with
that a stranger can have the meanest mug, but if i smile they usually smile back
that he bought me a christmas tree and lights and he carried it up the stairs
to love the one i'm with all that i got
for nostalgia
for timing
for vulnerability
to let myself be sad and excited all in the same breath
that if it's true it's ok
the insistence of sparkly glittery crap on christmas ornaments
to do the action and let the feeling follow
for cuban lunches so good it makes one moan
listening to my body when it tells me to lay down
not listening to my body when it says panic!
waking up next to him in our new apartment
that our house is already a home because we're in it
that the rest will come together one little :
spoon, shower curtain, garbage can, vegetable peeler, pillowcase and tea pot at a time
that this is what building a life together looks like
for target on the late night
for the 11th step prayer
"for it is by dying one is reborn"
the realization that i've already died a million times and god kept together what mattered
to come to the last pages of a big chapter
and god spoke through you
"it will be like something else in an amazing fashion"

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Moves you never seen before.

 thank you

for keeping me plugged in to my life line while i venture out in the world
for the prep before the turn and the spot to do it well
that everything can be an analogy for everything
the effortless poetry spoken in meetings
for a well fed soul
and a light feathered spirit
for the way he dances and when i think of it, i smile
for this very precious time of "firsts"
to get to know him yet feel like i've known him all along
for hella dollah dollah bills in my bra
to teeter back and forth between about me not about me
and end with not about me
a sponsor who calls me on my shit and then tells me how to own it
for the ugliest jacket i've ever seen and that being the meanest thing i will allow myself to say today
for steam rising from a hot cup of tea
ridiculously big mugs
standing on the corner waiting for the light
the wind blowing strong and closing my eyes
that all humans are emotional little beings
to be a regular joe
an alcoholic among alcoholics with no special super star sobriety
to create something really delicious just by following simple instructions
for tippy toe kisses
how we work together in the kitchen
to ask for things because i believe today that i am worth it
for everyday basics i try not to take for granted
a job with good people and flexibility
free coffee all day
a big comfy bed
money in the bank
a closet of cute clothes and shoes
a full head of hair
my free mac
a monthly $200 food allowance from the government
happiness that can't be bought
saying i love you as much as i feel it
to step into friend mode easily
to be in good company
kitty kats in clothes
a circle scarf i only kind of like
and to end in the words of drake :
i'm so proud of you
everything’s adding up, you've been through hell and back
that's why you're bad as fuck and you know you are

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Role I've Been Assigned : Shopping Whore

For nearly three months I have been on the hunt for the perfect bag. I've ordered several online and returned them. And sadly, most things in stores are crap, especially when you're a bitch on a budget. With each one, I am finding what I don't want and by doing so, I am finding what I do want. Such is life.

Narrowing it down to the non-negoitables and the must have's. And I think I'm getting close.
Canvas. Leather. Sturdy structure and holds form. Handles and shoulder strap. Must fit laptop, books, makeup bag, wallet and still have room for an article of clothing or two. Oh yea, and hella hella cute.

This website feeds my OCD, like maybe the world isn't such a crazy place and everything is going to be ok. A co-worker of mine was sporting the backpack today. So cute.

Eat. Fuck. Shop. Ad infinitum.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Someone I Use To Know.

Currently, I am lost in love. So deep in it I could die. Earlier this year, I had a break up so bad it felt like dying. Now, I am having a love so good it also feels like dying, just a different kind. I am finding that in order to experience great joy, one must have experience with great sadness and with that....."Our dark past becomes our greatest assest" From the Big Book. 

This video is awesome.

Bitch I wish you would.