a diary of what i love and what i do

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Send Flowers.

thank you

for a chance to grow
a script written in black sharpie
willingness to make the call
willingness to be a big disappointment
if it's all practice then none of it is a big deal
using the feeling of freedom and relief as a gauge of whether or not i am doing the right thing
big heart beats
tingly fingertips
air filling the space inside my chest
side braids and bobby pins
dancing around my room naked
loving the one i'm with
be it a minute
an hour
in bed
on a walk
holding the space i'm in
ability to love many maybe because i love god
diet dr pepper cold and out of the can
making some executive ho decisions
not sitting by the phone
not wanting to belong to anyone but me
not taking this time for granted
booking the red eye
bunny as a best friend
the 36th floor
happily sandwiched between one physically unavailable and the other emotional
laughing laughing laughing
texts from poppa
a burger with grilled jalepenos
bbq and mayo mixed together
the sounds of a full house
the feel of wind blowing through the thin fabric on my skin
a sugared sugar hole
for awakenings. being somewhere and knowing i belong there.
here i am baby. take me as i am.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ride the wave you're on. Not the one that's gone.

thank you

for my favorite line "and then i woke up"
a sponsee's list 
making my heart swell with love for life
and motivating me to write one myself
for how contagious god is
to redefine happy - no need for balloons, material possessions, a fluffy bank account, nicely packaged circumstances
just to be here now wherever that it is completely exactly the way it is
that i can't fake what is important to me
a weekend dedicated to homework
to shut up and show up to the tea party
this shit ain't about me
for the high note
tears from laughing
a single flea bite on my cheek
the house to ourselves, my buddy and me
the fun of knowing that people like oprah and johnny depp live on the same planet
a ticket to mexico
that i can count on god to make waves 
to reconnect
for all his exclamation marks
purple pens
pizza magnets in the mail
roller skates with no brakes
my sweet 21 year old
not taking on other people's shit
to be the watcher and the reader
not the writer and certainly not the director
to be so in love with us.
a melted chocolate chip on my white dress not being the end of the world
that i learned to not sweat the small stuff
for the way milo studies my face and i don't know who is more mesmerized, him or me, and i don't care
for football players; gladiators of our time
butts in spandex
the smell of sweat
a new found freedom
for the first time, not running into the arms of another
to have a desire to spend some time with me as me, not me and "enter name here"
for the cut and paste
to let go of getting approval 
the all inclusive gratitude list
that i didn't fall for the gift with the price tag and just handled my business like a grown woman
the urban outfitters catalouge
to stand outside waiting for a pigeon to deliver my email
for jokes on repeat.
that my money maker is also my happy shaker
that i got another sober day in my pocket
that my drinking was but a sympton
for love.
i'm swimming in it.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Don't mind me, just passing through.

I was walking somewhere and came across this place. I don't know how or what the hell is going on here, but it's so weird and I like it. I can't choose what I like most...the pez collection, the tiger painting, the light bulbs on the table or the reflection on the window from the street. How about all of it? A brief magical moment in time. It makes me think of what a storefront in Crazy Town might look like.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Thank God for Art

It's interesting to me how I am drawn to certain art, colors and people, all depending on where I am at inside. Here's what I loved at the SF MOMA recently and considering my current heart space, these pieces make perfect sense.

Friday, September 9, 2011

trying to make a dollar out of 15 cent

thank you god
for the humble hustle to make rent
to pay the phone
to get fed
and knowing all along that i am taken care of
for the healing power of love songs and dick
combined with prayer and looking at where my feet are
for the pause before the text
a decade between us
a kiss on the dance floor
to have met some of the most funniest people on the planet
for unmeasurable love i feel for my ho's
a finished essay
for the margins
to be back on top of my school game
and a couple notches down with the x game
for the way the cookie crumbles
that it isn't just about the curriculum, it's about the discipline
that my dog is a sun junkie just like his mommy
for the way i move from my hips to my fingertips
or more so the way my higher power moves within me
for animation you can touch
midnight soaks
bathroom acoustics
that i can quit a job with grace instead of get drunk and not show up
for the hannah the barbarian
to imagine pain and discomfort as wood burning up in my chest
the embers lighting me up from within
for the word : transmute
that i get to show someone from my past life this new way of life
for his smile and familiarity
for the camaraderie that comes with surviving the gates of death known as alcoholism
to still be in love with being sober after all these years
for what's in my heart rather than my head
that sometimes the best answer about what to do is : NOTHING. DO NOTHING.
"my creator i am now willing that you should have all of me. good and bad."