a diary of what i love and what i do

Friday, October 21, 2011

Here Kitty Kitty.

thank you
to want reality just a smidgen more than fantasy
to want to love this more than that
for the word 'smidgen'
four big soft brand new pillows
all white sheets
picking diamonds off the clouds
dew drops on green leaves with red veins
for the platforms of which i can relate to you with
a fuck yea dress
warm yellow fuzzy hoodie
to let myself sleep in
a morning of missed flights
an undeveloped snuggle
the slow roll out of bed
for confident hands cutting my hair
and gentle hands touching my body
to air on the side of too many talks because we care and because we can
for my plans and shit! i'm even laughing at them
living some minutes in this life like i have nothing to lose
except my pride (and you know this man!)
to let tea do the trick
that i can do my weekly budget sober
a friend on the other line telling me all the things i thought i needed to hear from someone else
and realizing it's all god anyway, i'll take it.
for alcoholics, the toughest, most sensitive of crazy fucks
that "yes, i am one of those people"
taking things off of the table for him
to be so many things in one body
to choose to not turn a blind eye so i can work with reality
to know that everything passes
to remember to pay more attention
god is in the details

Thursday, October 6, 2011

We are made of stars.

thank you

for "then i woke up"
and remembered nothing is wrong with me
only my view was a little off
for raining mornings
letting myself sleep in
scrambled eggs, a cup of tea and toast with butter
the seat by the window, a book and me
for an appreciation and attraction to all that is weird and unconventional
for bunny's brochure analogy of  boys
that it put things into perspective and it made me laugh
for the ever alluring temptation to listen to who said what
and then turning to god and turning it around
for what the steps have taught me about such things
"what they say says more about them than me"
to have friends that love enough to not talk shit and choose sides
for a long soak in the bathtub
the house to myself
a big bed to myself (plus the dog)
a frig and pantry full of food for myself
to be in my own company and be content
"in joy in my self"
listening to my body when it says go to bed sleepyhead
nina simone radio on pandora
to call someone in need when i am in need of a break
that my most recent breakup is still helping people
for the wave in my hair
a mostly clean room
the one untouched corner
a stocked and organized first aid kit
being the thing it is i wish to receive
"I'm not the one who looks fantastic in everything, but I still cannot help loving myself"
for enough humility to admire god's work in and me and in you
vibrator necklaces
a crystal hanging in the window
the colors it catches
red rain boots
wiping off the chipped nail polish

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love.

thank you

for big leaps off of big cliffs
for a day of the banana crazies
that i can't fuck it up, but i CAN make it fun
english essays getting a little easy with a little bit of practice
calculator tricks
tippy toe kisses
throwing more and more shit out
happiness not contingent on (fill in blank here)
being me, doing me, loving me exactly as god would have me be
filipino instabonds
"god where do you want me"
for an evening at home in my pj's doing schoolwork
invigorating sponsee phone calls
the slipper shuffle
that the food stamps form is really just a chance to be honest
that i don't need to trust the system, but I can trust god
highlighter, pen and flag all in one
and the few friends i have who would appreciate such a thing just as much as me
for all that feeds my obsessive compulsive disorder
for beyonce
newcomer numbers in my phone and using them
rain outside the window
wind blowing through the trees
everything each raindrop touches
humid air
big heads and small gods
tapping in to the physical sensations
and getting the sense that everything is actually ok
for my body as my anchor, not my enemy
cracked knuckles
taut skin
low humming vibrations on the back of my legs
the challenge of finding the words to explain such a thing
rather than listening to the words of the self to take me out the present
if i want to love the one i'm with, at this moment, that would be me
get human two thousand eleven

Sunday, October 2, 2011

These shoes have been good to me this summer.I bought them at Community Mission Thrift for $3.95


Look Ma No Hands.

thank you

the art of juggling
god making it rain
old souls
long stares
the honey in the cab
the hottie on the motorcycle
a walk around the block
mumbled miss you's
daily staff meals
the best crossaint
foam in my coffee rather than clouds
that it keeps getting better
for never a dull moment
a good poo
that when i want to lie, i'm not trusting god and loving myself
for honesty replied with more honesty
that the truth has turned into freedom and not a burden
a sweet setup
wacka flocka flame
the special on the menu
my dog's ears flapping when he wakes up to stretch
then goes right back to bed
tea with milk and honey
no shame to wash off
that when i stay in my body and out of my head everything is as it should be
when in doubt, do my program
how easy work is when i love what i do
how easy a paper is to write when i love the topic
how easy it is when i love
excitement over a box of office supplies
getting paid to get organized
getting paid under the table
for friends in love
that we get to share looking through the same lens
watching my disease try to take everything away from me
for the shit i get to hear in a meeting
for god, the only medicine to my alcoholism
the space in between two hands that want to touch
the breathe between lips about to kiss
making it last
money for rent
the art of doing nothing on my own or not
that waiting takes practice
asking myself out loud "hey, how can i stop trippin and make this fun?"
taking everything i am into this moment
with god, i am enough today

for life.

it ain't up to me.