a diary of what i love and what i do

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

thank you

for things slowly coming to the light
that pain brings tears to clean the windows
take away the bottle and out comes grace
anger replaced
comfortably fitting into the nice ass jeans
not caring about things not worth caring about
the bus stop
itchy feet
the moments adding up
a nice quiet studio apartment to be still in
taking up the whole bed all to myself
a job which means an income
to be humbled by simple mistakes made at work
for people using their hands as they talk
major things happening in 3's
to redefine friend
to redefine me
to redefine us
out with the old in with the new
taking the title out of it
to be kissed. passionately.
hella years in the making
and oh how the tables have turned
for what comes naturally
that there is something higher and bigger behind everything and it ain't me
to do whatever i want without the good and bad attached to it
to just get real and conscious
relationships - a bitch and a blessing
for my sponsees. their dope lifesavers.
that my little heart is able to love many
that after the sad songs
the burning behind the eyes
the heavy chest
the sandbags in my shoes
and the pain
the first healthy meal and appetite
the first solid sleep through the whole night
a mourningless morning
the excitement for the mystery
that sometimes typing a list while listening to music feels like making music live
for messy side braids
the midnight shuffle to the bathroom
cupcakes for breakfast (don't judge me)
half eaten corn thrown back in the bowl
a blip on the radar
finding new friends in old friends that were there all along
for times when we can't stop laughing and we don't really know why
for the way you come through
31 and still having firsts
for pyscho and 'sike! ho'
a ha ha you like me voicemail
the banana and the bunny - the unconventional love story
a chance to close my eyes to feel the view and let the wind gently hug me
to be committed to me at this moment in time

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

T       H    I  S



                                                                                                                          T   H   E  R E


Monday, August 22, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

all we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow all we have to see is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me freedom

"welcome to the new chapter in your life" flowers just in time
paper so old it turns yellow
that pain recognizes pain
and light attracts light
that every once and a while the ouch settles in
but like everything else in this life, it passes
trees swaying outside windows
help coming out of the woodwork
that bananas can peel just like onions
wide leg cotton pants to live in
letting myself feel it
letting go of being special
commitments that get me to a meeting when i don't want to go
for treated alcoholism
lil wayne pandora radio
crunchy leaves crumbling in my hand
a tennis racket, a bed and a lot of anger to swing with
being able to stop when i've had enough
that i don't have to be superhuman, i can leave that to the pros
that i've made it through so much
"but i couldn't do it all alone. WE."
that sometimes the fork in the road is being paralyzed at the top of the stairs
calling a friend and asking what to do
to wiggle my toes
for ho's in tow
to weep and smile and sing and dance simultaneously to george michael
to know if i want things to be different, i need to start doing things differently
to do the unfamiliar and uncomfortable
the difference between secrecy and privacy
for the texture of tapioca in my mouth
the feeling of a warm cup of coffee in my hand
for thin walls and insane thoughts
building my faith rather than my case
to be in pain yet still be awake
birds flying on a telephone wire through the reflection
weeds in a vase
white tiger patterned nails
the convenient enemy
the higher self
that i already know i'm awesome, god just gives me little reminders that i'm going to be ok

Saturday, August 13, 2011


thank you

"...we found ourselves thinking, when enchanted by a starlight night (or the vegas strip)'Who then made all this?'. There was a feeling of awe and wonder."
for the impeccable tan of the well to do
all the flashing lights
that first moment when (dot dot dot) ...
that aa has taught me how to shut up and pay attention
to take it all in and not take it all for granted
cab driver wisdom
how to spot a hooker
feel those G's
a bathtub in the center with a view
the 37th floor corner suite
sunshine junkies
hotel ammenities
a plate of fruit
the celine dion hologram
the russian santa claus
the sugar daddy
the venture capitalist
the baseball player
and the stripper
all god's people
for the natural twinkle in your eye
memories, just between us girls
memories, just between us lovers
for a catch, a shift, a change
to pick up what god is putting down
for the message through the most unexpected people and places
a break
a step
a breath
a clever higher power
3 sips in 5 days
the honesty
love on the other end of line
the natural of progression of things
"i wish i had a pool for you to lay by or at least a convertible car"
that i don't need to get it all down on paper because it's all there in my heart
that shit is messy but shit is alright
that life doesn't kill me it just moves through me
faith that whatever i need to make it through god will make available to me just in time
the fork in the road
my higher self
relationships as a spiritual practice not as status
born on the sun made of light dancing on earth
a planet full of happy places
in his arms
in the heat
in front of a rothko
on the hardwood floor
in a body of water
in the moment

for bunny.

Monday, August 1, 2011

everyday i'm hustling

pigs from the same pig pen in a past life. oink oink.
that i take "the bitch likes to eat" as a huge compliment
for a needle and thread
getting to the ever growing pile of clothing projects
digital cameras vs a 35 mm
for my hair. it's awesome.
the clank of a spoon on a bowl
the acute ache in my shoulder
a hangnail
love texts with friends
vacationing in the city i live in
that i get paid to hang out with the most amazing little human beings
for the priceless things they say and do
that i get to be a witness to their adorableness
for a huge house purge
for comfort in the emptiness
taking shit down and making more room to just have room for space, not to fill it up with more stuff
that there was a time when i needed to buy a lot of crap to feel secure
and now is the time that i need to get rid of all that crap to breathe
my insides matching my outsides
falling asleep on the couch with two dogs and a bunny
making equal time for all my ho's
for the people i get to share my life with
a good chapter
nap time readings
the obvious thing being the next thing
jasmine growing wildly on the back patio
the sometimes very short and sometimes very long pause button
vegas countdowns
for the stuff i can't fake
like how happy i am to see someone
that with rusty and bunny i feel safe and loved
all the shades of brown
the full feeling in my stomach and in my chest
short clean fingernails
my mom coming through the only way she knows how
being cool with that
adults that use baby wipes
letting go of my surfboard
making the exchange fun
trusting god's got another board for me for another time
for straight priorities and grown up shit
good company while i wait in line
the new beastie boys album on blast
people who are like little beings of sunlight