New Chapter

I'll always be a banana, it's just time for a change.

http://flirtingwithperfection.blogspot.com/

Sincerely,

J

hello handsome

thank you

for what our experiences do to us
the lines and light they make on our faces and our hands
for the ability to look at my own face and into my own eyes now that i cleaned house
for some space between me and the big picture
the ability to see things i missed because i was too close
that he missed my laugh and that's that
for the same roles, new players and a show for me to watch
for where god puts my ass to work
messy hair up do's
baths in the late morning on a weekday
to feel sexy in white
to feel beautiful in the eyes of those who see me and love me anyway
that god doesn't give me everything i want so i can grow some balls to ask for them
learning how to fight
special tones for special hoes
for sponsees, the very bright spot of our lives
for a new definition of courage
to be scared and walk through it anyway
to turn around in the dark alley and look my demons in the face only to find the just might be my allies
32 going on 21 going on 70
sharp pains in my back reminding me that i am alive and this body isn't mine
forgiving myself by giving myself the compassion i seek
for 22 year olds being 22 years old
for bad form
laps to sit on
cupcakes to inhale
the poor girl spring break : movies, food, naps
to vacation in the city i live in
to share the dance floor with drag queens
to strut from one side of the room to the other
for all the colors on the corner of page and octavia at this hour
all the activity like god is just whooshing everyone and everything around with his finger
to watch what i pay attention to and choose to hang onto and choose to let go
for 1, 2, 3 cough and voila! out comes the iud
to rock the all natural look on the inside
for the ever growing relationship to my body
a regular girl period
for how much i love to breathe
mystic hair pit stops
educational sacrifices
chains of events to help remind me what is important to me
he rubbed my shoulders and ran fingers down my sore spine
he put my lipstick on
he bought me ginger beer and a candy bar
this is our love story and i'm not the writer

It's time for the Busy Banana Boogie.

I'm the king of the castle you're the dirty rascal.

thank you

for another 24
for the very first thing someone said to me in AA that stuck
"if its meant to be, you can't fuck it up. if it's not meant to be you can't make it happen"
that when i trust god is flying the plane i can move freely about the cabin
for short cut clean fingernails
long flowy nighties
the sun reflecting off a white building into my eyes
a tree bare from the winter
that i may have moments of doubt and pain but i am still awake
that everything ... EVERYTHING passes, even the enjoyable stuff and such is life
for timed tantrums
contagious laughter
natural herbs
for sheets soaking in the sink
a pocket of quarters jingling
choosing happy over right
finding my base line
affection
appreciation
adoration
and my own ability to give the things i wish to receive
holding that space between asking for what you want and not knowing if you're going to get it
communicating my truth at the risk of losing it all
taking a chance that the truth might set me free
entertaining the possibility that communication is true communion
the idea of communing with the ones i love by sharing the parts i think are unlovable
that i got balls when i need them
sunbathing in the middle of january
a kitchen with mountains of snacks
to miss someone and yet respect their space
to love the one i'm with
that we fall for their outsides then we stay for their insides
for his beauty within
for the song "crash" by dave matthews band still doing it for me
that weezie and lolo are home
the clothes closet explosion
sex on hardwood floors
skirts lifted and panties moved to the side
a commitment to start talking to the sad plant by the window
flowers that smell like pepper and plastic
football with my ho's
being "those people" with diet cokes, coffees and every dessert on the menu please.
for so much that i don't understand
the gift of desperation
cold marble against my butt cheek
razors spinning in my chest
god loving fools
borrowing other people's hope and faith in times when i can't find mine
that the men i look up to are really tall with really big hearts
poppa pulling cookies out of his shirt pocket
that the power inside myself is the original gift
tapping into an inner resource that has been here all along
that "a woman laughing is a woman captured" Napoleon

Human is the New Black.

thank you
for making me a spiritual being having a human experience
for all i saw today
a man pushing a shopping cart from the front
a big full bright moon
flesh being carved
pen writing across paper while she cried
sponsees taking the crap out of the house
the contact around his pupils
the brown inside a white dying rose
a woman wearing little brown elf shoes
the curious curve of his lips
the inside of someone else's living space
and something else i can't remember but thought was beautiful
for all i touched today
keyboard keys
a paper cup warm with coffee
broken red plastic pieces
the messiness of my hair
a wet sponge
the small of his back
for all i heard today
construction in the building
a song
my own laugh
the echo inside of a piano
screeching brakes
the jingle of a dog's collar
deep breaths in and out
alcoholics in a room speaking the language of the heart
clapping
and a sniffle
coupled with a million thoughts floating by like little red balloons
a million chances to not attach and be here now instead
for all that happens when i pay attention to what's happening
for all that i felt
like maybe there really is a god
and all i have is enough
the physical sensation of butterflies with wings on fire flapping in my chest
to surrender to the sadness
the fine line of taking it just a touch too far
for the word indulgence
that god keeps me right sized
that there are things i don't want to look at but if god says it's time, it's time
making it to meetings no matter what
raising my hand
getting honest
reaching out to someone in more pain than me
reaching out to someone who has what i want
being useful where ever god puts me
that every being is a living message
"free basing on heartache"
"that's the first true thing i've heard you say so far tonight"
"it's not going to kill you"
"relapsing is hell"
thank god for god
thank god you picked up the phone
thank god i am not my thoughts
thank god i am an alcoholic with a second chance

The cat's bark.

thank you

hot laundry fresh out of the dryer
narrow staircases
books on audio
"you are the teacher that you've been waiting for"
compassionate alarms
waking the fuck up again and again
to treat my relationships as a spiritual practice and not my salvation
lolo available on the late night
that sometimes i need to be told it's time to be quiet and kind to myself
to live in my body without the story
for static in my clothes
homemade onion soup
and oatmeal cookies
to have a home to make things in
that poppa is just down the street
"you may only know that you use to hurt and now you don't"
throwing out my old ideas of what a the perfect relationship is suppose to look like
that sitting in a meeting listening to people talk about god does wonderful things to my insides
for when the sun goes down and i realize that i'm still sober and i just might make it another day without a drink
for the softness of sweetheart
coupled with questions that shake shit up
and answers that rise to meet the occasion
and truths that set me free
an apartment that is clean and pristine
for swept floors and windowsills
the serenity and simplicity in white colored things
swallowing hard truths about myself. chug. chug. chug.
god speaking through everyone and everything all the time
to imagine who i might be when i turn it around to me
amazement at my ability to let go of so many material things
and hope for the same willingness let go of some old pains
my ego hiding under the need for urgency
that i'm not my thoughts and almost everything isn't really my business
"God gave him to you. He's a gift."
making friends with the wind
that if i fight with reality, i will lose every time
a bathtub full of water with no bubbles
still finding my voice
for the simple truth, i cannot do coke lines like a lady
the happy pants mix
for my sponsor always being on the other line kind and loving
that my bf is perfect exactly as he is

and with god, we're all enough today.

The most wonderful time of the year.

For Christmas, I got the cutest barista in town making me espresso in our kitchen.

My new neighbors.

Fat beats that taste like chicken.

This is a chicken from Avedano's, a great mom and pop meat shop in Bernal Heights. Everything about Avedano's is darling and done with local love. How can you not love a place that sells buttons that say "I love you more than bacon" ??? The feet and head were chopped and stuffed in the chicken which I had the lovely pleasure of removing...a first for me, I had to take a picture. I'm fascinated with the world and everything in it.

Thank you baby jesus.

thank you

for every passing second to start over and turn it all around
friends who are family
phone calls and i love you so much's
for christmas spent in a flannel shirt and knee socks
radio story time in a parked car
the traffic lights blinking yellow yellow yellow red
how something from outside touches our insides and voila! out comes tears
for the fascination with the human body
even with the canker sores and eye styes
hang nails and toe blisters
that there is no thing and no one that isn't connected
that i have to accept myself before i start demanding that over people do
that for christmas, god gave me someone to love good and hard with all i got
for times when my head says, "no! don't be a fool. protect yourself."
and then my hearts says "yes, let go of being the one in power and be vulnerable"
to love without a price tag or needing anything in return
chicken heads and chicken feet
fresh ground cinnamon sticks
flour, sugar and water
the smell of crushed and stuffed herbs
the texture of powder and wet skin on my fingertips
a perfect cup of coffee
for unavoidable embarrassing moments
to be humbled by my character defects and lack of grace
that god keeps me right sized
for what is important to me
how i wake up in the morning
to be childlike without being childish
to never forget where i came from
that my alcoholism is the best gift god ever gave me
that my disease took away from me everything that mattered
only to make me appreciate everything more when god gave it all back
for a tea flower blossoming in a glass of hot water
an edison light bulb as mesmerizing as a flame
permission to just take classes that sound fun to me
for dance and design one in the same
to live a little bit more like no one is judging
the sound of pencil moving across paper
for nesting and fucking and feasting
thank you god for this human experience

Accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can.

thank you

to be a regular joe
with regular sobriety
for the magnificent mediocrity of life
that he showed up to be a part of something that is important to me
to pay attention to the actions
instead of my head, the story, the words with nothing behind them
needing less by giving more
the phone ringing
the many faces in aa
light behind the eyes
direct deposit
the heater on blast
making the call to make the amends
being ready on god's time
that i can skip my character defects when i keep it simple
for endorphins kicking in after a 20 second hug
sparkly banana ornaments
not asking anyone to be different for my sake
asking god to love what is
that when i can get real honest i can get real help
my sponsor still breaking it down after all these years
enough pain to do the things i normally wouldn't
for the ham sandwich analogy
no crying over spilled coffee
for daily victories small and large that need no recognition
taking advantage of each second to turn it all around

god....

Lolo Love.

If you want to kiss the sky better learn how to kneel.

thank you

for most things french
that i am a heavy praying woman
that i can close my eyes, be quiet and not worry how it looks
"walk into the fire. you're not the one burning"
to stop judging and make room for you
letting people finish their sentences
for all the things i don't have
for chocolate dipped oreo cookies
for cab rides
lavender scented hand lotion
the reversible christmas coat
high waisted panties made of silk and lace
for their secret : laughing together and mystery dates
thinking of the one thing i want to let go of
the action of stomping on a christmas ornament on the sidewalk with my foot
the chance to meet his family and not have my hand out for their approval
that when i am enough with god i am freeeeeeee
for small talk and taking an interest
that i didn't have to worry about what i said after one too many glasses of wine
oaklahoma accents and hugs all around
bed picnics and a movie
not getting all the things i am use to and trying to see that as a good thing cuz it's a god thing
that not one person can be everything to another, but everyone can be special to each other
for opened doors
mistletoe over the bed
that rusty picks up the phone and tells me to stop walking around the block to get back to where i already was
that a bad dream is still just a dream. so is a good dream. 
that my beautiful boyfriend actually belongs to god
that aa helps me not get shit twisted
for spiritual and physical orgasms
for shakira shakira
for panda this and panda that
accepting what is as it is no edits allowed
"its all make believe isn't it?"
that how i roll may not be how the rest of the world rolls. imagine that.
that i can plug in by looking up at the sky or down at my feet
to love where i live and live where i love
friends faces that feel like home
that i can say to my girls that i'm not doing so hot and i already feel better
for the ability to be in deep pain and still push out a full belly laugh
"you said you were gonna get messy remember?"
that my sponsor calls back
for how much easier it is to take everything one day at a time
that i am ready to live with less stuff inside and out
that i don't need vodka with my oj, whiskey with my water and baileys in my coffee
and i don't need better than just because i don't drink
a perfectly made crossaint to share
that all this now business is real
pain begins to dissolve in the present
that god has given me pain to practice with
for the first and only hit of a cigarette in a few years
"true communication is communion"
wisdom written on a napkin in the dark

god, thank you for my lines.

All of me.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

thank you

for the experience of my fears stealing the day away from me
that without sleeping i would never get to wake up
that without getting lost i would never get to be found
for needle and thread and that i know what to do with them 
for sounds i hear in daily life that reflect what's going on inside
for warm group hugs
that kyle says the sweetest things to me
to receive gifts from the doors that are open
to recommit 100% to this moment 
for authenticity
to have my hand held
to be asked about my day
the chance to practice giving myself the love and acceptance i seek
dirty sex. whatever that may be.
becoming painfully aware of the story i hang onto
that i'd rather be happy than right
for a couple of bucks in my pocket
a curling iron and a can of aqua net
that with god i am enough today
dirt under my nails
unshaven puss
pimple on my chin
abandonment issues
spotlight on my imperfections
an allergy to alcohol
for the flip side of all those things
a spank because i'm naughty
a slap to wake the fuck up
a kiss for love
thank you god for this experience of heaven here on earth.

Chapter Three Twenty Five Twelve Three : Nothing to Lose

thank you

that it wasn't about the mattress being moved

or boots stomping up and down the hall

that god has other people do things to shake shit up and it's not about me or them

that we're all players in a god production

swipes of color from a paintbrush on a masterpiece

for low cleavage shirts

the sensation of needing to pee

hard dicks and wet pussies

oversized jackets that feel like fashionable blankets

being in the middle of it and being able to pray myself out

that in areas where i would need a drink to calm my nerves, i now have god

for the uneventful last morning

for the lovely dependable trees that protected me 

the show they put on outside window and on the wall

ambitious attempts to fit it all in 6 boxes

never being so ready before to let it all go 

never being so sure before about who i want to share my life with

that a stranger can have the meanest mug, but if i smile they usually smile back

that he bought me a christmas tree and lights and he carried it up the stairs

to love the one i'm with all that i got

for nostalgia

for timing

for vulnerability

to let myself be sad and excited all in the same breath

that if it's true it's ok

the insistence of sparkly glittery crap on christmas ornaments

to do the action and let the feeling follow

for cuban lunches so good it makes one moan

listening to my body when it tells me to lay down

not listening to my body when it says panic!

waking up next to him in our new apartment

that our house is already a home because we're in it

that the rest will come together one little :

spoon, shower curtain, garbage can, vegetable peeler, pillowcase and tea pot at a time

that this is what building a life together looks like

for target on the late night

for the 11th step prayer

"for it is by dying one is reborn"

the realization that i've already died a million times and god kept together what mattered

to come to the last pages of a big chapter

and god spoke through you

"it will be like something else in an amazing fashion"

Moves you never seen before.

 thank you

for keeping me plugged in to my life line while i venture out in the world
for the prep before the turn and the spot to do it well
that everything can be an analogy for everything
the effortless poetry spoken in meetings
for a well fed soul
and a light feathered spirit
for the way he dances and when i think of it, i smile
for this very precious time of "firsts"
to get to know him yet feel like i've known him all along
for hella dollah dollah bills in my bra
to teeter back and forth between about me not about me
and end with not about me
at
all
a sponsor who calls me on my shit and then tells me how to own it
for the ugliest jacket i've ever seen and that being the meanest thing i will allow myself to say today
for steam rising from a hot cup of tea
ridiculously big mugs
standing on the corner waiting for the light
the wind blowing strong and closing my eyes
that all humans are emotional little beings
to be a regular joe
an alcoholic among alcoholics with no special super star sobriety
to create something really delicious just by following simple instructions
for tippy toe kisses
how we work together in the kitchen
to ask for things because i believe today that i am worth it
for everyday basics i try not to take for granted
a job with good people and flexibility
free coffee all day
a big comfy bed
money in the bank
a closet of cute clothes and shoes
a full head of hair
my free mac
a monthly $200 food allowance from the government
happiness that can't be bought
saying i love you as much as i feel it
to step into friend mode easily
to be in good company
kitty kats in clothes
a circle scarf i only kind of like
and to end in the words of drake :
i'm so proud of you
everything’s adding up, you've been through hell and back
that's why you're bad as fuck and you know you are

The Role I've Been Assigned : Shopping Whore

For nearly three months I have been on the hunt for the perfect bag. I've ordered several online and returned them. And sadly, most things in stores are crap, especially when you're a bitch on a budget. With each one, I am finding what I don't want and by doing so, I am finding what I do want. Such is life.

Narrowing it down to the non-negoitables and the must have's. And I think I'm getting close.

Canvas. Leather. Sturdy structure and holds form. Handles and shoulder strap. Must fit laptop, books, makeup bag, wallet and still have room for an article of clothing or two. Oh yea, and hella hella cute.

www.makr.com

This website feeds my OCD, like maybe the world isn't such a crazy place and everything is going to be ok. A co-worker of mine was sporting the backpack today. So cute.

Eat. Fuck. Shop. Ad infinitum.

Someone I Use To Know.

Currently, I am lost in love. So deep in it I could die. Earlier this year, I had a break up so bad it felt like dying. Now, I am having a love so good it also feels like dying, just a different kind. I am finding that in order to experience great joy, one must have experience with great sadness and with that....."Our dark past becomes our greatest assest" From the Big Book. 

This video is awesome.

Bitch I wish you would.

I am kitten. Hear me roar.

thank you

that the lioness and the panther can be in the same place at the same time and just be

when i can live in no better than no less than

that i write lists and he plays games

to make a decision to be in this 100 percent 

that the feelings of commitment don't come until i commit

to be what it is that i want to receive

that i still get moved by the message in meetings

that i still get tickled by the love in meetings

for giggle attacks

for days i manage not to fit my feet in shoes too small

for days i do things in two's

a growly hungry tummy

the bulk section at whole foods 

making it just in time
that at different times in my life some tools are used more than others
like paying attention so i don't take anything or anyone for granted
and pausing so i don't let my fears ruin everything
for the lines god gives me sometimes
inapropiate and embarassing, but mine.
to pray to something that really exists
and to live in a solution that really works
that a little piece of gossip was dangled in my face and i took a big whopping bite out of it
for the consequences of that

to get sidetracked and then recommit
for funny dorky laughs
the color yellow
christmas nails
a little bear pin to make a little banana happy
the smell of saliva 
for the anus
and the dahli lama
that god is everything or nothing
that when i stopped putting my hand out, we started to get along
that when i started telling the truth, we started to get along
overhearing other people's conversations and practicing acceptance 
for custom made prayers :
god, can't wait to see what you do with my life, my money, my sobriety, my relationships, my job, my school because it's all yours anyway.
for regular life
a clothes crisis
the 45 minute search for parking
sleeping in and running late
loud commercials
a puffy eye
the niners losing a game
that sometimes you have to wait in the line for the bathroom for a long time and the person before you took a major stinky dump
for regular life
i love it here.